At Random (A Journaling)

Strange; a week ago, I was pissed - at everything. The little things that were tripping me up, the things that were beyond my control, the things that were in my control, but were hanging about with a nasty importuning...because I had no desire to deal with them.

I had to rearrange some priorities. It's pretty silly, when I think about it, how easy it is to put yourself in a better frame of mind. To bolster yourself with a sense of efficacy. It all started with making some appointments. Doctors appointments, Eye Doctor appointments, get the car in to have the oil changed, etc. Of course with work, meeting appointments is always a challenge. But they were met. Sometimes I forget I have a knack for automating my job (but again, even that is an importuning & challenge I have to meet head on).

I regretfully had my final doctor's appointment with my primary. I was a little agitated since I had run out of insulin and my doc was no longer covered on my plan, so I had to shell out for it. I definitely have cholesterol issues. That makes sense. I had my first appointment with my new eye doc (basically searching for the nearest to my home covered by my plan), and I'm happy to announce I've managed upon a caring, condescending, preachy, no-nonsense, in-your-face guy. It makes me wonder if what I really needed was a deserved (as opposed to irrational & drunken) pistol-whipping this entire time...

Then the weekend came. I had plans, but I blew all of them off.

I sat down and wrote a list of things I want to do to the house. The things that could take anywhere from 2 hours to 50 hours. To hell with the fourth of July, to hell with the Long Winters show...diving into that list (only checked off 2 items by weekend's end) was more rewarding to me than relying on doing what I would usually do.

I do get inspiration and motivation from being alone. I think I have to face that fact. But I've been operating on this assumption for too long, that I cannot be alone...like I'll go crazy without some nurturing company, and I'm beginning to recognize how erred that assumption was. I think it led me to mitigate my standards for friendship. I think it led me to really lower the bar and persue some superficial people. I think it didn't allow me to be myself; it led me to be, at times, someone I'm not. I should have listened to the obvious signs: if you aren't feeling good about it, you should just get away. It seems simple enough.