The Beast

She called it her economy of motion: the activities of implied drudgery received an expedited treatment or no attention at all. Sleeping, eating, working, even time spent with her family – all were addressed with a policy of containment; an effort to compress their natural immediacy into a tiny ball. She would delay rest until the last possible moment, letting her head hit the pillow only when her inspirations had run their course. She would allow the workday to decide when she needed to awake, mostly successfully for both vested parties. She could have a toasted cheese or microwave dinner prepared in under 5 minutes, though she would keep her hands occupied otherwise when not specifically putting food to mouth. Her family never saw her. When they did, they only had the worst of her. Her mind was elsewhere.

He was outside of himself. All action was a reaction, a rescue, a response to some external need. He waited to be called upon, rather than dare to speak up. To facilitate his availability, he suppressed his own needs and wants. He was a persona non grata. He lost himself, and he was happy with this since the burden of affected achievement became secondary to his heroism. This was the reinforcement he needed. When there was no fire, he rested: he would watch television, he would read, he would diddle with different crafts and hobbies. He would switch them about, becoming the jack of all and the king of none. He felt satisfied with this – fulfilling an adage passed along from his father. So he was a good person. He tried not to think so hard about things; hold strong opinions that would deter or offend. He angled towards the middle. He would absorb the strong opinions of others, try to learn from them, and when they didn’t sit well with him, he would construct excuses for why people fell the way they do.

They fell in love.

For her, it was the security she needed. For him, it was simply the matter of being chosen. It was not an immediate process. She had the time and energy required to land her prize. He deliberated until a degree of familiarity was reached; interpreted her needs, and found himself useful and needed. In this sense, they complemented each other. They found each day to be happy, if not fulfilling. Time wore on, and they had little use for one another. They realized, independently of one another, that what they found in each other were things that could be found elsewhere in abundance. Despite being happy, they independently imagined worlds full of so much promise that only required stepping away, abdicating from their relationship.

This could only work for one of them.

The boy could only look at this imagined life askance. The dreaminess of it all made him wary, and the experience of observation led him to write off these imaginings as a mutual indulgence that should never be satisfied. It offended his sense of responsibility; it meant putting his appetite before his ideals about the relationship he had come to value. When she was the one to abandon, he did not know what to do. Having the girl in his life served the greater need of complement; over the time of the relationship his equivocal “I” found expression in a more certain “us”. He was not ready for the end or the abandonment.

He set to destroying himself.